What happens when the fear of staying is greater than the fear of leaving? That’s the tipping point when you’re ready to leave a toxic marriage.
Toxic marriage: how to know when it’s time to leave?
Making the decision that it’s ENOUGH can only happen when you reach the “tipping point” where the FEAR of staying is GREATER than the FEAR of leaving.
For many unhappily married women, the mindset of leaving is honestly like facing their death – it’s THAT frightening. You see most women latch onto their husbands in their early 20s to fulfill their need for Survival and Safety (Maslows Physiological and Safety Needs).
Yet when it’s done in a dysfunctional manner this will eventually catch up to you in your 30s, 40s, 50s and even 60s and 70s! I’ve seen it all honestly!!
Hence the decision to LEAVE is like extracting yourself from your “perceived” safety and security – almost like a screaming baby holding onto his mommy for dear life as he can not imagine separating from her. This seems impossible.
This is exactly how women in a toxic and dysfunctional marriages feel!
They are the screaming baby that can not imagine separating from their toxic or dysfunctional husband, even though they are terribly unhappy, emotionally and verbally abused, and Gd forbids physically abused.
Their gut says get out but their “distorted reality” says that would mean facing “Death” as they “believe” (a limiting belief they validate without even knowing it) that they can not survive. The mind will always seek to play safe and protect (animalistic instincts after all) and hence we go right back to where we started – should I leave or should I stay, and most women, understandably so, acquiesce, surrender and stay in hell.
The very idea of latching onto yourself for these basic and visceral Maslows needs of survival, safety, security is something you “BELIEVE” (incorrectly) is impossible to do, so by default, the Fear of leaving becomes debilitating if not paralyzing and hence staying in an unhappy marriage is WAY easier and comfortable, albeit at a severe cost of your feelings and emotions. Awful!
So when women DM me on IG, Facebook or on TikTok and ask me “Revi, I am so unhappy, I beg and I plead to my husband to notice me, love me, support me, pay attention to me, and he still won’t change… what should I do? Should I leave him? Ive been married 15 years and have two kids but I am miserable. Tell me what should I do?”
Validation of worth
I know exactly what’s happening to them. They are seeking validation of their worth from their husband.
Yet because these women are so “needy” for it what they do instead is repel what they need. And have attracted this dysfunction into their own lives. Intense!
A difficult concept to understand I know but this is the very ROOT of the problem. The issue is not him. The issue is you. But again to even come to this realization takes not just The Tipping Point to occur but also the “grown-up woman” has to say “I have had enough”.
Until these two things occur, to me, the patterns will repeat on auto-pilot.
And getting a Divorce will not fix the root of the problem. Man number 2, 3 or 4 will be the same – he’ll look different, act different, even smell different, but bottom line he will be the SAME on the inside. Because you are still the same on the inside too. And the law of the universe clearly states: LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE.
As painful as it is for me to read these SOS messages from these women, I know one thing is for sure – if they are asking me then they have not reached their Tipping point. And my answer to them is always this: “I am so sorry for your pain. I feel you. I hear you. I see you. This decision is one that you and only you can make. And trust that whatever decision you make is the right decision for you”.
And that’s it.
I can not decide for you what you want. I have not lived in your life, have not had your childhood and upbringing, and have not been around your family, don’t have any of your life experiences. So there is NO way I would ever answer that question to any woman. Ever.
But I can tell you this – every woman (and man) deserves Peace, Happiness, Freedom, Independence and above all L❤️VE. And THAT I will always stand for! As you’re worth it 👑👊
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