In this discussion with Anne Deakter, we talk about self-growth and dealing with divorce. How to grow out of predatorial relationships and believe in your self-worth?!
Anne Deakter helps women to live the life that lights them up. She’s Spiritual Mentor, Coach, Author, Speaker. I work with women who are transitioning after divorce. After the divorce, they know they want to live the life that lights them up!
Self-Growth: Growing Out of Predatorial Relationships
Making the decision to get divorced
Revi:
First of all, we need to make sure that we’re making the effort to make the marriage work. Because once we get the divorce, we don’t want to have the regret.
Anne:
We also don’t want to repeat the same pattern!
What we typically see if women are not doing the work, if they are not trying to understand the lessons, they make the same mistakes when they remarry.
The partner is just an opportunity for us to see a mirror, to see where we need to grow and transform.
Revi:
Yes! Instead of the blame game, the true transformation happens within us.
We need to learn WHY we did allow this to happen.
Anne:
It takes time! Until you finally wake up one day and say “enough!”
You know you’re ready to move on from a destructive relationship when your ex no longer has the power over you.
Your buttons can no longer be pushed. You feel dead inside.
When you can be detached and see yourself from the side, where you understand “okay, that happened” but you’re ready to move on and grow from it.
When people do rebound stuff or start dating too early, it’s just another form of destruction.
Instead, we want to learn and grow.
“When it comes to rebuilding my life. When do I know that I’ve done it?! That I have moved up?! And I can finally say I AM READY!”
Anne:
You know you’re ready to move forward when you know you don’t get triggered in the areas you were triggered before, with your ex.
When a person crosses your path and, let’s say, they have the same characteristics as your ex, you become very conscious and you understand they need to move along.
You’re very aware and you make the choice.
Revi:
In my case, I always felt like I just KNOW. You FEEL the growth.
If you’re asking a question, you still haven’t figured it all out.
Anne:
Awareness is the first step! If you’re aware, write down on a sheet of paper what lessons you should learn from these relationships.
What do you have to learn!?
And know that when you’re starting a new relationship, you should understand whether or not you’ve gone through it.
Once we have something we need to fix, we might need to work with it all our lives! Even though you have fixed the issue, it might reappear so you have to keep coming back to it.
I can always go back to my first lessons, be very mindful and understand what I did when this challenge comes back in our lives.
Revi:
You can do this when you KNOW YOUR WORTH!
Relationship with the higher power
Anne:
When women understand their worth, they are finally open to the possibility that they don’t have to do this by themselves.
If you think you’re the only one in your life, you’re out there alone, it’s just you, you, you. You have to get over the divorce yourself, you have to take care of the kids, you have to provide.
We take away one of the most important elements of the world – to have a relationship with the higher power.
It’s your birthright and your destiny to have a good life, to be happy! But, first of all, you need to believe that. And then, understand that universe has your back!
The universe will provide you the right opportunities. But if you think it’s all about you, it puts so much pressure on yourself!
Revi:
Yes. There are things you should do alone but you can still have the support!
Anne:
When you open your mind to possibilities, they’ll come your way!
We need to make the shift from “This world hates me” to “This world is a wonderful place!”.
If you can’t make that shift, it won’t matter, no matter how many support groups you appear in.
“I have a controlling and verbally abusive father. I thought I found a partner completely different. It took me 20 years to understand they are the same…”
Anne:
We choose the family we’re going to be born into. It sounds wild! But some theories suggest that we choose everything beforehand.
We choose it because that is the greatest playground for us to grow.
Such opportunities give us a chance to grow. All the buttons that will need to be pushed, will get pushed in that setting.
Revi:
I grew up with a father who insisted that women have no worth.
I noticed with my family, my friends, people around me, that I keep attracting people who just take from me and don’t give back. Until one day I said ENOUGH!
And the divorce gives you this boost for transformation as well.
Anne:
When I left my husband, I cried for a year. It was such grief!
I CHOSE IT! I wanted a divorce. But it was the end of an era.
You have to be so strong to go through this. The grief was so hard! I was so scared of leaving with a 3-year-old.
And now I know – if I can get through a divorce, I can get through everything.
And all these “how’s”… HOW can I do that?! It’s all one day at a time. But I knew higher power has my back.
Finding the support system
Anne:
Nobody can learn how to deal with this. You have to go through it to know.
When people ask “HOW?!”, you can’t answer. The steps are different for everybody.
But we typically don’t search for help unless we’re in a pit so deep that we have nothing else to lose.
I and Revi are here to help with that. We’re not gonna go down in the pit with you but we’re going to extend our hands and if you choose to take it, that’s what a support system is!
When you admit your faults, that’s self-awareness. And when you don’t know how to move on, you ask the universe.
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