Are you going through a divorce and feel desperate? This post will help you to learn how to survive a divorce and discover your true language of love!
Boy, when I left my husband after 20 years of marriage, I knew I was collapsing. It was obvious. I could not stop crying. At all. Everywhere I went I cried and cried and cried. My therapist said it was all the pain and the infection that I had allowed to fester inside my body that was finally free to come out. It was a huge gaping wound that seemed to never heal. It was bad. What was I supposed to learn here? Awful pain. How does this pain exist from LOVE and a break up of a marriage? It felt like 100 bullets inside my chest. Awful.
How to survive a Divorce and find what your True Love Language is
During that first year of divorce, is when things get bad. Bottom line because you are in absolute chaos and crazy mode, you don’t know what to do, how to be, where to go. It’s like surviving a shipwreck in the middle of the ocean. You just need to stay alive. Honestly – no exaggeration.
If this is you, I can give you one word of advice – read, inhale information, learn and learn and learn. Why? Because when you start dealing with all the SH_T that comes out from the breakup of a marriage– you start realizing that some of these issues were YOUR issues. I mean, after all, you chose him too right? You stayed married to him too right? You tolerated his crap, right?
Or maybe he left you and you were clueless as to why? What you did wrong for him to leave you? What you could’ve done differently to make the marriage work? Really? It’s a little too late for that most likely. So we have to be grown-ups here and deal with the calamity of what happened. Yes, it’s awful and said but I strongly believe there is a reason we had to go through this pain and break up. I have spoken about this in the past – it’s called TEEKUN – a Hebrew word and a Kabalistic and energetic word for “growing and learning on this earth so you can end your Karma”. Sounds crazy, I know – but I will delve deeply into this into my Podcast and more blogs. So follow me and stay tuned. It’s going to get intense.
So, yes, you can be sad and cry and be angry and deal with all those emotions. But I can tell you this – the BEST gift you can give to yourself is to LEARN about YOU! Learn who you are, what you want, what went wrong and how to make sure it won’t happen again with man number two (and YES – there will be a man number TWO – now you may not believe it but I promise you from the bottom of my hear that man will appear when you are READY for him to appear). More on that in another blog as let me tell you girlfriend, the time to find another boyfriend is NOT when you just broke up with your husband. You are so way too vulnerable that you will not heal correctly and really address your issues correctly, and the worst part is that there is a very good chance you will attract the same type of man that was LIKE your husband and in a few years end up right where you are again. You want that? I didn’t think so. So stay strong and work hard on YOU.
5 Love Languages
One of the things you must learn about yourself after a breakup of any kind is what type of love language are you. Sounds weird, I know, but boy oh boy, when you know what that is, you are on your way to having a thriving relationship.
There is a best seller book that I HIGHLY recommend you buy – here is the link to Amazon – it’s a best seller that talks about The Five Languages of Love:
We all probably have all 5 of them, but there is one or maybe two of them that are visceral for you. Once you know what they are, you can make sure that you get this type of love – first from your friends and family, and then when you are doing much better (at least one-year post-divorce ladies, not sooner) you can start dating men and recognize what your love needs are (and by the way – when you then know what HIS love language is it’s a double gold medal).
So, what are the 5 love languages?
(NOTE: Full Credit is to the Best Seller Author Gary Chapman – and his book: The 5 Languages of Love)
First Love Language: TOUCH
Ok – that is so me. I am all about the TOUCH – the PDA, the making out in public, the holding hands, the rubbing the back, the leg over the leg, all of that. I love massages, and I love my back scratched and I love my hair brushed, and I love to hug and hug and hug.
So you see, my love language is TOUCH – it’s my primary and visceral one. Without it I would die. And frankly, that is exactly what happened with me and my x husband. He HATED to be touched, therefore he never touched me, and I mean NEVER. So we never hugged, we never kissed, we never held hands.
And that’s how I slowly died a slow emotional death of love.
He stopped nurturing me in MY love language.
Now If I had known about this book and this “love language” before, who knows. But let me tell you, now I am very sure to get that love language nurtured to me with all those that matter. My sons, my best friends, and my amazing boyfriend that I met a year after my divorce.
If you notice that you love to be touched, then make sure you get that (hugging, holding hands, scratching back). This is imperative for your emotional survival of your relationships. And make sure to your new boyfriend/husband you communicate that this is your need.
Never expect a partner to know what you need. Seriously! Most of us don’t even know what we need, and now you want your partner to figure it out for you? Nope! Own it and learn what you need and then communicate to your loved ones that this is important to you. Your boyfriend or husband who loves you will be more than happy to nurture you in the way you want – if he’s a good guy. If he doesn’t want to nuture you in your love language, you say BYE BYE to him. We do not compromise ourselves for a man anymore – period.
Second Love Language: GIFTS
If getting gifts makes you feel loved, then make sure your boyfriend/husband and those that matter to you know this about you. It doesn’t have to be Gucci or Prada, but something small, like a candle, a lipstick, a perfum, flowers, etc. If this is important to you then you must communicate that to your husband/boyfriend. They need to know this is critical in nurturing your “Love Language” to make you feel cherished and important in your relationship. Do not hide from what you are. Be honest and real with yourself. If this matters to you then ask for him to do this for you. If he loves you, he will gladly do it.
Third Love Language: TIME
This one is very interesting, but there are people who are free spirits and want to own their own time. If you are with someone who needs TIME as his love language, or if your need is TIME and your partner is a free spirit, this may be challenging.
Time is exactly that – spending time together.
The question is how much time? A few hours a day? Or 24/7? I am exaggerating of course but this is a fine line that you have to make sure you have boundaries on.
If you need TIME from your partner, then realize it can not be 24/7. That is not healthy. And if you need 24/7 then I suggest you take a good look at yourself and ask yourself why you are so NEEDY for that? You may have issues with being alone and with abandonment. I would rather you cope with your real issues then attract a man who is WILLING to be with you 24/7. A man who wants to be with a woman 24/7 also has major issues. This is not normal behavior of humans. Again, a divorce is all about learning about yourself, your issues, and changing them for improvement and advancement of your life. Be honest with yourself and take a good reality check of what this TIME really means to you.
Healthy TIME is always needed and maybe some more than most. It’s the 24/7 that is disconcerting to me, so please be aware of this is you or even worse, if this is the man you are with. You can feel suffocated and sabotaged if that is the case.
Fourth Language of Love: Compliments
Who doesn’t like to be complimented? It’s always so nice to hear someone say how beautiful we are, how smart we are, how pretty we are. Some of us need these words more than others. Nothing wrong here again, just be honest about it with yourself.
If your partner is not complimenting you enough and you need more, then communicate that to him. Again, your partner’s language of love may be TOUCH, so how the heck do you expect him to give you compliments when what he needs is TOUCH – and usually what we NEED is what we GIVE! Get it? When you need COMPLIMENTS, you end up giving compliments, but the person you love may not care for compliments at all, as his language of love may be TOUCH or TIME. So you see what happens here? It’s your job to know what language of love you have and then it’s also your job to communicate that need to your partner.
If your partner truly loves you, he will do anything you need to make you feel safe and secure and loved. Remember that – the man who loves you for you will always honor your needs. The man who only honors himself will never honor you but only honor his needs. Run away from the latter – run fast!
Fifth Language of Love: Acts of Service
For a woman, this looks like a man fixing the sink, taking out the trash, putting a new light bulb in. For a man, this may look like having a home-cooked meal to come home to, clean clothes in the closet, or visiting his mother in the old age home. Do you see what I mean here? I am giving simple examples to show that Act of Service is actually doing a service for someone else.
Find a fine line that makes it ok for you to give and receive. Meaning you can’t expect someone to give you 100% all the time and not give himself. But if you do need this as your love language, and your partner doesn’t do anything for you, then TELL HIM! Not in a mean or accusatory way, but in a way that says, hey, I love you so much, and this is important to me, it makes me feel loved by you so can you please always take the trash out for me? Or change the light bulbs when they are out without me asking you?
Again if the man who you are with loves you, he will always honor your requests and needs. Never be afraid to be clear in your communication of what you need for love – you will be proud of yourself for asking him to do this for you. It’s part of your Boundaries exercise as well (find my other blog article on Boundaries – a game-changer in how to live your life and never compromise yourself for someone else).
The Five Languages of Love and Finding Love After Divorce
As a recap, we have Touch, Time, Gifts, Compliments and Acts of Service.
When we understand this about ourselves and know what drives us to feel loved, we can communicate that to our partner. We can never expect our partner to know what we need. They have their own love language. And the irony is that we usually GIVE what we NEED – but as you can see here what we GIVE is not what our partner NEEDS – it’s what WE NEED!
If you are in a relationship have fun with this and discover what your true PRIMARY language is – again it can be all 5 really. But I want you to dig deep and really figure out what is your visceral absolute non-negotiable love language.
Once you know what that is, your relationship will thrive as your partner will always water you with what you NEED to feel loved.
Now that’s a Happy Ending!
Fearless Woman and Founder