Being codependent can be a huge problem when you’re coming out of a divorce. How to know if you’re codependent and how to stop the vicious cycle?
Divorce is a devasting blow. It’s the end of everything we know. It’s the end of our marriage, our family unit, and the way we have been identifying for the last 10, 15 if not 20 years.
There are a million things going on at the beginning of the divorce cycle. Many look to understand why this happened? What caused the end of the marriage? Where is he to blame? Where am I to blame.
Many times, women find themselves in a situation that they always give and the man always takes. This is a fine line that I want to delve deep here as this was my story – I gave so much to him to a point that I realized I was codependent! Are you codependent?
What does being codependent mean??
Let me make this a very simple definition for you to understand.
If you are trying to save, fix, rescue, solve or control someone else (ie: your husband in this situation) then you are codependent.
It’s the concept that we are so fixated on HIM, so fixated on solving HIS issues, on saving HIS life, on fixing HIS drama, etc, and instead, we end up totally avoiding the most important person in this equation – US!
This was my story. All I ever did in my entire marriage was living for him.
I ran for him, did for him, thought for him, fixed him, saved him, and all about him. We would have a fight and it would always be my fault, because how could it be his? He would be upset about something, and I would fix the situation. He would be stuck in a project, and I would solve it.
This can be really bad in the case of drug addicts and alcoholics. Every time they get into jail, you go and bail them out, and then you are the one that goes to meetings, not them, and they do it again, and you bail them out again and go back to your meetings. Meanwhile, they are only repeating and repeating their cycle of drama and dysfunction. And as a co-dependent, so are you! You keep saving and fixing and solving and rescuing him.
How to stop the cycle of being codependent?
There will come a point in our life, whether it’s him getting arrested again, him getting fired again, him being verbally abusive again, and all you do is again, save, fix, rescue and control him. Yet one day, one day – a TRIGGER will go off in your head. You will be at a point in your life that you have had enough. You will be fed up. You will be exhausted. You will start finally questioning yourself and you will say these magic words, “WHAT ABOUT ME?”.
Those magic words will probably be the very first time that you have thought of yourself BEFORE you have thought of him.
This will be a very uncomfortable feeling at first, as because we are Co-Dependents, we are naturally used to NEVER thinking about ourselves, and always thinking about HIM.
Yet if they keep doing the same drama over and over and over again, you will realize that you are not really achieving anything and more importantly, they are NOT changing.
The paradigm shift will finally hit you and say, “THE ONLY WAY THIS WILL CHANGE IS IF I STOP SAVING HIM”.
That’s how it stops. When you make the DECISION to no longer save him, to no longer rescue him, to no longer control him, to no longer fix him, to no longer ANYTHING him!
IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU NOW!
The freedom you get when you have this paradigm shift that you are no longer going to make it about HIM and now you are going to make it about YOU is intoxicating.
All of a sudden, your entire passion and purpose and effort is now focused on YOU. You will now see how all these years you wasted trying to fix and save him, when the truth of the matter is, that the one that truly needed to be fixed and saved was YOU.
You see, many of use as codependent (and like I said this is so my story) is that we have unfinished business – issues with our childhood, parents, ex-boyfriends, karma, who knows – but real issues that need to be addressed. And dealing with these issues is not EASY. In fact, it is almost impossible to do. So what do we do instead, we say forget out issues, let’s fix HIS issues and deal with his drama. As it’s much easier to deal with someone else’s issues than it is to deal with our own.
That is the truth.
But, as I said earlier, there will come a point that there will be a clash – a clash between you fixing him and you fixing yourself. And you will make a decision. A decision I hope to fix yourself and deal with your past and issues to make yourself whole and new and amazing.
THE NEW YOU IS BORN!
Changing from being codependent to being Independent is the most gratifying feeling in the world. It becomes a big relief when you realize you are NOT in charge of him, you are NOT responsible for him, you are NOT dealing with his crap and issues anymore.
By releasing this huge self-made responsibility that you created in your mind that was never true to begin with, it allows you to finally let the real and authentic you be born. The real person that has been hiding inside of your mind and body can finally appear to the world.
You are now free to be you. You are now free to be authentic. You are now free to speak your own voice. You are now free of being exactly who you always wanted to be.
Letting go of this ton like responsibility will be the spark that will make you fly through the air and discover and find yourself in ways that you never thought possible.
You see, when we realize that we have to fix our self, and then we do the hard work, address our issues and say good-bye to the codependent part of us that no longer serves us, then we become a Fearless Woman that is unstoppable.
YOU ARE WORTH IT
Stop living HIS life. Stop controlling HIS life. Stop fixing HIS life.
I am here to remind you that you are worth it, that your life is important, that your thoughts, beliefs and dreams matter very much.
If you show up this way, and stand up for you and fight for you – then those around you will honor and respect the new you. And if they don’t, then you leave them behind right next to your X-Husband. They are now all part of your past as they no longer serve you.
Look only ahead to the new and amazing and fearless you.